Wednesday, April 13, 2011

How are Doctors given a World Ranking ?

One of the episodes of Scrubs that Karen and I watched the other night involved the doctors all being ranked by their patients.  This got me thinking about (and talking to Karen on the subject) how you always hear that a certain hospital or doctor or surgeon is "rated #3 in the world" in such-and-such procedure or handling things related to a certain type of illness or body part.

Where does that ranking come from ?

I know there is a logical answer to that question, which I would research if I actually cared where the rankings generate, but I prefer to make my own snarky assessment and answer to the question in my entirely made-up way.  :)

Who else would you have hosting ?!
Welcome one and all to the 23rd Quadrennial Surgery, Doctoral Diagnosis, and Team Hospital Challenge!
I am your host, George Clooney.

Let's get right to the competition for Top Surgeon in the world!  In a heated (and very LONG) battle between Dr. Heimlich and Dr. Jones, the young surgeon from upstate New York has defeated the former world-champion from Germany in the most shocking upset of the tournament.  Heimlich just seemed to choke under the pressure and now he will have to wait until next year's World Surgery Championships to attempt to regain his top ranking.  That has got to hurt his advertising efforts for new appendectomy patients.  Tough break for him.

Over in the doctor bracket, the up-and-coming Dr. Zhivago continues her rapid ascent up the rankings after solid defeats of Dr. Feelgood in the round of 64, Dr. Pepper in the 2nd round, Dr. Scholls in the Not-so-Sweet Sixteen, and Dr. Ruth in the Elite-like Eight.  She now has her toughest competition yet in the overall #1 seeded Dr. Doctor, who has been "giving the news" to all of his opponents with reckless abandon throughout the last two weeks.

On the other side of that bracket Dr. No has been seen chanting his own name as a taunt ("Did I win Doctor? ... Nooooooo!) to each opponent he has out-diagnosed for several rounds.  Left in his wake are Dr. Huxtable (who was disqualified for a racial slur), Dr. Doolittle (who lived up to his name and just sat there!), Dr. Quinn (who looked like she hasn't practiced medicine in centuries!), and Dr. J (who kept trying to dunk his patients into their beds ... awkward!)  His Final Four opponent, Doogie Howser, M.D., retired from competition to host an obscure awards show in Bollywood, so the notorious villian Dr. No awaits his Championship foe.

Dr. Ross from
County General
Okay, before our commercial break let's check the standings in the Team Hospital Challenge.  It looks like County General Hospital (my own personal favorite!) is holding a slim lead over Sacred Heart Hospital.  Rounding out the top ten are the following "also-rans" : #3. Seattle Grace Hospital
#4. General Hospital
#5. Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital
#6. St Jude's Hospital
#7. Johns Hopkins
#8. NCMC
#9. Memorial Hospital
#10. Children's Hospital

That's all the time we have for you this evening.  Be sure to check your evening news for the final results of this exciting competition!  I'm off to plan Ocean's 14 with all my buddies that are now WAY too cool to be TV Doctors!  Ciao bella!
Check out my "SMOLDER!"



  1. Can't.... stop.... laughing.... LOVED this post... might be my all-time favorite. Although I loved your post, "Who Am I?" Awesome, just awesome. It was great to see you today! Let me know when we're going bowling!!!

  2. Oh, and by the way... you got me and Daniel watching Scrubs on Netflix. We used to watch it but stopped after Season 5 so we are currently watching season 6. :) Awesome show. Daniel wishes he had a friend like Turk. :)