Saturday, October 2, 2010

"English" Walnuts?! How do they know?

Today I needed an afternoon snack and it really needed to be something chocolate.  So I headed to my "food drawer" because I was at work and I usually keep it stocked with enough food to last me several days (you know I have to have my 24-hour kit if we ever get snowed in!)
I was about to enjoy my Little Debbie Fudge Brownies when I noticed something on the package ... it said in big bold letters "with English Walnuts."

Several thoughts entered my head all at once.  Here is my attempt to capture them all and break them apart for your reading pleasure:
#1. Is that "advertising" supposed to excite me or deter me from consuming these?
#2. How do they know they're "English" walnuts?  Do they have an accent?  Or mabybe they like tea and crumpets?
#3. Is there really a big difference between the nationality of walnuts?  Do Jamaican walnuts run faster?
#4. When choosing to eat pre-packaged, thick-as-mud (and just as tasty) brownies, who is really thinking about the tiny specks of nut-like substance that appear in occasional bites of the brownie?  They certainly don't look like the ones pictured on the box, which you can clearly tell are walnuts (and if you look closely you can see they are English because they clearly have terrible dental hygiene).  :)
#5. The Ryder Cup is going on right now ... I better support the team by boycotting these English "nuts".
#6. Was Little Debbie from England?  Or would she be rolling in her grave knowing that we've gone back to the motherland and begun using foreign ingredients in her "tasty" morsels?
#7. Huh ... I've never noticed that Li'l Debbie is wearing a hat that has a chinstrap on it.  And why does her shirt match the background of the packaging material?  Maybe she made her own clothes from leftover tablecloths?

Suffice it to say ... I opted for the much easier to appreciate Swiss Rolls.  Everybody loves Switzerland, right?!  And the packaging has beautiful mountains behind the "enlarged to show detail" picture of these delicious treats.  But then I noticed something on that packaging ... it says "twin-wrapped."  Now a whole new flood of questions and thoughts is flying through my brain!  Why are only "twins" allowed to wrap these precious little cake treats?  Is there a need for them to be identical or can fraternal twins still make the cut?  And who has the right to say that twins are naturally better to do the wrapping?  Do "fake" twins ever try to get jobs at the wrapping stations (like when Joey Tribianni from Friends tries to have a fake twin get him a job doing medical testing)?

Now I'm still hungry and I'm afraid to check any of the other packaging for the bevy of food I have because:
 - the SunChips may not in fact have "Great Multigrain Taste" (why would anyone want "Poor Multigrain Taste" and do they even manufacturing that kind of stuff?!)
 - the peanut butter M&M's bag clearly says "Party Size" and it's just me so I'd feel guilty not having something to celebrate while eating them.
 - Grandma's "Homestyle" Chocolate Chip cookies have a "Fresh New Look" but that might be referring to the picture of Grandma and to be honest she looks more like the witch that gave Snow White the apple.
 - The Austin "Cheese Crackers" say with Cheddar Cheese which makes me wonder why they have to mention the cheese twice in the name?  Are the crackers made of cheese too?  How do they get them to crunch like crackers then?
 - And last but not least ... how can you have a "Low Fat" S'mores Granola Bar Mr Quaker?!  Especially while the Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip bars do not clarify their fat content!  Isn't a "S'More" comprised of equal parts chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow?  So how is that chocolate more "lowfat" than the "chips" variety (which in theory would be smaller right?!  they're "chips!")

Oh no ... I just noticed my bagels must be very sad with their life.
They are after all ... PLAIN!



  1. I had a regular "chuckle-fest" reading this post!! You're brilliant, man! You made some very pithy and wry observations about the wording on various packaging. Loved the reference to Joey Tribianni, which made me think of another twin reference to him: his identical hand twin!