But Do I Really Care ?

The thing about mid-life crises is that the experience is transitional.  It is not that you are in an ambiguous state, but rather you recognize the beginning of a transformation from what life has been thus far for yourself and what it will be going forward.  This often brings about very mixed and confusing emotions and thoughts.  You find yourself asking yourself questions you never considered before.  And sometimes your answers are frighteningly candid.  This can lead to feelings of depression, not necessarily because you are sad, but often because you are unsure how to feel about this revelation or new perspective.

I am unashamed to admit that I am in full fledged mid-life crisis mode right now.

In fact, being honest with myself and anyone who cares to read these posts, I have been in this transitional phase for roughly 2 years now.  What scares me the most is that I do not have any idea when the "end" will be.  I would have guessed that the crisis would only last a few months or years, but I am beginning to feel and think that it all has to do with how you transition to the future YOU.

Let me share an example for anyone who is not understanding what I am trying to convey here about the transitional nature of a mid-life crisis.
Recently at work I was impacted by a large change.  Two-thirds of my team (14 of 22 direct reports) were reassigned to my Manager so that I could begin taking on the responsibility of our new hires in the Sales group.  This was a major change to be sure, but I have cycled through dozens of direct reports in my 7 years as a Supervisor, including some that involved nearly as many people.
So why does this change feel so different?
The best answer I have come up with is that my perspective is very different.  I have long considered myself to be a genuinely caring individual.  When I express compassion or empathy or ask questions to get to know someone better, it is not just because I am supposed to ... it is because I truly am interested and do care about them.
But as this change happened, I began reflecting on many of my peers (I consider direct reports to be my peers even if I am technically "the boss") at work who have come and gone over the years.  There are maybe only a handful that I chat with on even an acquaintance basis.  Despite my perceived genuine concern for them, when the reporting relationship ended, so did almost all of my initiated interest in them.  Almost never do I reach out to any of them just to see how things are going for them.  So doesn't that very strongly support the argument that I don't actually care about them?

The worst part, for me, is that I began thinking through this as related to my friendships.  I have always considered myself to be a true friend.  Someone you can count on to be there for you whenever you might need me.  Someone who wants to hear about your struggles or concerns or answer your questions or just hang out and do nothing (if that's what you need).  But ... as I think about my friendships over the years, there are almost none where I really make an effort to be a friend unless it happens to be convenient (they work near me, live near me, or I happen to see them at church or basketball or scouts, etc.)

This, and this alone, is the kind of self-awareness which has the capacity to excite my mind with new possibilities (how much easier would life be if I didn't actually have to care?) while also filling my mind with great depression and disappointment about the person I might actually be (what if I've never really cared and my ability to "let things go" is actually a detriment rather than a strength?)

I don't have the answers.  I have some of the questions but I don't necessarily want to ask them.  I am NOT on the verge of a breakdown, but I am on the verge of likely making major changes in the person I am.  I want to keep the genuine good parts of myself and discard the baggage or pretentious parts of my personality.  But sifting through 35+ years of experiences takes time.  And being honest with myself about who I am willing to commit to being is exhausting.

To be continued ... :)


Song Of The Day:
One thing (among many) that does remain constant is my absolute love of music.  The joy I feel when listening to creative expression through sound is one of many experiences I will never regret and will always continue to seek out.  Today's song is an anthem of sorts related to that.  I know some people have strong opinions about John Mayer, but one of his songs from his first CD is titled "Not Myself" and it often comes to mind when I am feeling a little out of sorts.  Some of the lyrics ask the question "would you want me when I'm not myself?  wait it out while I am someone else?"  I am hopeful that the people I love in my life will stick with me as I continue my mid-life crisis transition.

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Why Don't You Just Say What You Need ?

I think most of us have at least one relationship in our life in which we find it difficult to just be open, honest, and maybe a little selfish.

For some it is at work.  You just don't have the wherewithal to tell your boss (or your employees) what you need from them.

For some it is at school.  You just can't muster the courage to admit that you need help.  Deciding your major.  Understanding math or science.

For some it is with family.  You don't have the heart to possibly hurt your parent's or sibling's or kid's feelings.

For some it is with your spouse or significant other.  You worry that the relationship will suffer if you are too open and honest, or that the person you care about will no longer care for you in the same way.

I say ... let's all get over it!

Talk to your boss or co-workers about your goals.  Ask a counselor or teacher to recommend the right kind of supplemental schoolwork.  Tell you mom, dad, sister, brother, or child that you love them but that you need space, time, or whatever it is.

And by all means ... tell that loved one what you need in your relationship.  It is a recipe for sure-fire failure when we begin to expect others to just know what our needs are.  Just because you have to tell someone what you need doesn't mean they are only fulfilling that need because you told them to.  The key here is ... you're giving them options to love and support you.
If they do what you ask for, then they are choosing to show you how much they care.

Song Of The Day
In the spirit of this blog post, please listen to the song "Say" by John Mayer.  Love him, hate him, I don't care.  But you cannot deny the powerful words and message of this song!

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Who Says Flying Would Be Faster ?

Everyone makes the exact same assumption ... and I'm sick of it!

 

"If I could fly, that would be so much easier/better/faster, etc."

For sake of argument we will bypass the ridiculousness of any scenario in which your 150 to 350 pound person would even be capable of getting airborne.  Let's just assume it was possible and you are now "in the air, a.k.a. flying."  It is absurd to assume that the same laws of gravity and physics would somehow not be in existence any longer.  If that is the case, I should think that "flying" would not be any easier/better/faster for 99.9% of the population.  Let me break this down for you.

First, it would not be easier.  The energy needed to propel yourself through the air would at least be equal to that energy needed to move your body on the ground.  Did gravity just stop being in effect as soon as you got off the ground?  I think not.  In fact, some argument could be made that the higher you fly off the ground the greater the weight of gravity pulling you down, thereby actually making it harder to fly than to walk, run, or otherwise move around.

Second, it would not be better.  How could it be better than riding or driving in a car?  Remember that this is just you flying and not "you in some contraption that flies."  So the correct comparison would be with you walking or running somewhere.  I seriously doubt that your main reason for driving everywhere is because it's too cold to walk or run or whatever.  Which leads to my last point ...

Third, it would not be faster.  In fact, it might actually be slower than any other mode of transportation.  At least with a bicycle (a machine, but one powered initially by you) you can "coast" some of the time and let the bicycle carry you further.  Can you "coast" while walking or running?  Try it.  Let's see if that kinetic energy keeps you moving forward when you don't lift your foot and take that next step.

So the only 0.1% of the population (and that is probably generous) that would benefit from flying might be the long distance runners (marathoners) and the really, really skinny but still having some muscle mass people.  They alone would have the stamina and weight ratio to enable them to travel the necessary distances without wishing they hadn't.

This is the kind of thing that I think about while I drive home from work.  Sorry.

Song Of The Day:
Although not really related to the subject of flying, the song "Gravity" by John Mayer is apropos, at least in the sense that in the song he seems to wish gravity didn't exist.  So that's a shout out to all you who would still believe flying would be easier/better/faster.

What's good painting music?

Well I am sure everyone has their own preference but today I listened to my John Mayer CDs while I was painting Brooklyn's room (stage one painting that is ... there will likely be a dozen stages since she wants blue sky, white clouds, brown mountains, green grass patches, and every color of flower and butterfly imaginable).

I have mentioned before that I love all kinds of music and John Mayer's stuff is definitely on that list (sometimes my favorite and other times just nice to have in the background).  I listened to two of his CDs today while I painted:  Heavier Things (which I had not heard in a LONG time) and Continuum (which I only heard a few songs on because I listed to the first CD several times over).

My favorite song on Heavier Things has to be Come Back To Bed.  It is just a smooth song about making up and I like the message when he says "What will this fix?  You know you're not a quick forgive." and "You can be mad in the morning.  I'll take back what I said."  I just think it supports the theory of not going to bed angry and working things out when they happen and not days later.

But I enjoy all of the CD (two songs a little less than the others), especially because the tunes and words just beg you to sing along with them.  And I love singing!  I am not particularly gifted int hat area, but I can carry a tune and my mom taught me to harmonize quite well to virtually any melody.

Continuum has some very different songs on it but I love so many of them it is impossible to highlight them all ... so I'll pick two:
First, Gravity.  I have my own personal reasons for loving the message of this song, which I will not be sharing here.  But I will say this much ... the following words from the song have deep meaning for me: "gravity, wants to bring me down" and "twice as much ain't twice as good and can't sustain like one half could ... it's wanting more that's gonna bring me to my knees"
Second, I'm Gonna Find Another You.  This song doesn't have much meaning at all to me personally as I have found the only YOU that I ever want in my beautiful wife Karen.  But it is a sweet break-up song and I can picture myself back in high school and I would have loved to have this song to sing to a certain ex-girlfriend.  The lines "I hope she looks like you and she's nicer too!" and "I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do!" really mean alot when you're in a break-up situation.

The "hot mama" of my Daughters (& sons too!)

Anyway, I could go on and on about other songs on these CDs but needless to say it made the time while I was painting fly by and gave me a chance to reflect on lots of things.  I have a super great life and I am so very blessed!